the ugly truth

I originally wrote this blog post as private just to get it off my chest with no intentions of posting it for everyone to see. I want to say that I don't want to upset anyone or make anyone feel sorry for me or anything of the sort. I just needed to vent and so I started typing. AND.. I didn't proof read so excuse any mistakes.

Two nights ago it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  We have less than a month to try to prepare ourselves to hand our daughter over for open heart surgery.  This thought alone makes me sick to my stomach and so incredibly sad.  The weird thing is that I truly believe she is going to be okay so it isn't so much the fear of something going wrong (although, don't get me wrong, that thought crosses my mind more than I would like to admit).. the part that is really getting to me this time is that she is older and is going to know and will be scared.  I am afraid she is going to be mad at us for "letting" them hurt her and I can't even begin to make myself think about the after effects and the pain she is going to be in.  As a mother, you never want to see your child suffer and I cringe when I think about all of the every day normal things that are going to cause her pain when she does them after surgery.  Another part that makes me sick is that so many thoughts flood my mind that I wish I could just shake my head and make them go away.  When we first found out about Caroline I went through a time when I just kept saying its not fair. Well, I am usually not that person anymore who says that its just not fair that this is happening to us but I find myself late at night with these types of thoughts slowly returning.  I am left with screaming thoughts running through my head like "THIS SUCKS", "Its not fair that my 2 year old has to go through this", "What did we do to deserve this?" and "Why us?".  *sigh* You have no idea how hard it is for me to say that out loud or to type it for someone to read. I am embarrased almost by those thoughts because I have been over and over and over them for years now. I know that there are a lot of things in this world that are unfair and that "suck" but you have to live life and not feel sorry for yourself.  I also know that there was nothing that we did to make Caroline's heart sick.. I know this. And, I also know that no one... NO ONE.. deserves this.  So, here it is.... this is what comes back to haunt you as you prepare for surgery. And, as far as I can tell.. there is nothing you can do to stop these thoughts. I assume it is natural for me to feel this way at times.  I know that we are going to be okay and we can do this because we have done it twice before. It has just been so long since the last time we've dealt with it that I guess I forgot how hard it is.   Please continue to pray for Caroline and for the surgeon that is going to be working on her. Dr. Gaynor is the best of the best in my opinion and there is no one else I would rather be doing this surgery.  Oh, I guess I forgot to include any information about surgery... Caroline's surgery is scheduled for Friday, March 18th.  We will have to be there for a pre-surgery apt on the 17th and so we will probably fly up on the 15th or 16th. I will post more information when I get a more concrete date of us leaving and when I find out what case we will be on the 18th.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3